I was having Chinese chicken salad without the chicken and a glass of chardonnay at Comforts in San Anselmo. I went late afternoon to celebrate the fact U.S. Bank and their servicer Select Portofolio Servicing offered to return my $17,000 to me. The $17,000 I sent March 2009 for a loan modification they never gave me. They also want me to sign a confidentiality agreement along with the money return but I’ll deal with that later. Matters of the heart are much more pressing to discuss. Money is only money.
Anyway, guess Comforts is popular for the kids after school. It seemed to be middle school / high school age kids. All fresh faced and sweet looking and pure. Yeah, there was a real pure vibe going on. It was lovely to witness.
Two girls were at the table next to me and I was so struck by their innocence and pure beauty. Oh I don’t know how old they were – maybe 13/14 or so. But so beautiful and so well dressed in age appropriate clothes and very, very stylish. I watched several boys come to their table and talk to them and it was so adorable seeing young love blossom. Put a total smile on my face.
At the same time, I was personally closing the door on the man I had loved the most in my life for 18 years. Despite the love, this man had caused me the most immense pain and trauma possible. So much crying, so much hurt, so much ambiguity, so much nonsense, so much of everything bad transpired between the two of us it was heartbreaking.
Now me being me with all this Light and all this Energy I process as if I were a literal electric transformer station, I looked at those girls and thought about all the young innocent girls out there getting ready to embark on their first love experiences. With all my heart and soul, I intended for all the pain and trauma I have experienced in my heart and life to date, to transmute away from them anything to hurt their hearts. Let my experiences absolve any future painful experiences for them.
Why can’t first loves blossom into beauty and blissful experiences. Why can’t love be all about joy and bliss and happiness. I find it silly there is even any room for pain to be associated with love. I intend for those days to be in my past once and for all. And, I don’t buy into it needing to be part of anyone’s reality.
I remember being that innocent girl, innocently wanting a boy to like me. Really after all these years, that is still the core of who I am. Who cares about my accomplishments or what I have and who cares about his accomplishments or what he has. When I meet a boy I like, all I want is for him to like me. I’d like to return to that time of innocence and purity and all possibilities being open and endless. If we don’t do that, then what’s the point?